Indefatigable

Indefatigable. I love the way its six juxtaposed syllables spill from my mouth. Indefatigable.

I had no idea how becoming a father would affect me. 

I had no idea how I would react emotionally to Bruce.

So I wrote to him. I wrote and wrote. I still write and he's three. Thank you to my brother and his partner for buying my me first Rebound journal. I've since filled seven I think.

I wrote to Bruce not knowing if he was a boy or a girl. He got stuck with Bruce because at the time there was Bruce the concreter, Bruce Springsteen had a new album, Bruce Willis a new movie... I'm sure there were others but I can't remember now. Anyway, Bruce stuck. 

I wrote to Bruce about how scared I was. Scared that I wouldn't know what to do. Scared I wouldn't like him. Scared about some things worth being scared about and lots that weren't.

In the almost 40 months since he was born I am astounded at how I have reacted to being his father. I love him with a love I would never have thought possible. I love him with a love that must've been dormant within me, his arrival the catalyst. It's a fierce love. There's nothing - NOTHING! - I wouldn't do for him. 

I have achieved so much in the last four years - building the house, making a garden, planting a forest, running the cafe, etc, etc, etc. How? Why? Because I wanted to make things as perfect as I possibly could for him, for us.

Now that the cafe is sold I get to spend every day with him. It is the best time of my whole life. Sure there were moments when I was travelling - sparks that I can still see on my eyelids when I close my eyes tight; there was the moment of his birth; there was being at the MCG in 2000 to see Essendon win the premiership and yelling 'Norm' every time Jimmy Hird went within 10 feet of the ball. But in terms of every day being a joy, one after the other, after the other, this is it. This morning I was reading Enid Blyton's Enchanted Wood to him - the selfsame copy as my mum read to me. Jo, Fanny and Bessie were in The Rocking Land. At one point he covered his eyes and said "oh, no! I can't watch!" It was the most beautiful moment in a beautiful morning spent together.

My feelings for him are indefatigable. If we're having a difficult morning I don't care. I love him. If I am tired and have been up all night I don't care. I love him. If I have to carry him until my arms ache - he now weighs 16kg - I don't care. I love him. I couldn't have imagined that in the midst of all my fears, it was already there, just waiting for him. Love. Indefatigable love.